Nov 12, 2009

Relationship Q&A

I was on facebook today and found a note that was posted re: relationships and having a committed relationship while keeping your friends on the side. It was written by a 20-something woman and I found it to be somewhat sad... in the sense that you can see, quite clearly, throughout the note that she is just scared to love fully. Here is what is written along with my response (a little long but a good read). I'm interested in everyone else's take on things:

Facebook Note:

I used to be what some would call a serial dater. Not because I was just so hot that all the guys wanted to date me or that I fall in love easily. I just always happened to meet the guys that wanted a commitment. I also don’t take a lot of shit. I have this deep fear of being played (When guys usually ask me for shit like money or sex I usually don’t ask why I just say NO) Not one to stress about being cheated on because if it happens I’m done. Period. I can be a prude at times. (When you’re confident your sex is good why not make’em wait. Shit, it’s worth it.) (That usually makes a certain type of man loose interest quick) In summary, I can let men go really easily. I’ve dated enough to know that its stupid to hold on to something that’s not what you really want when there are other options available. Some girls get into relationships thinking they will last forever. I went into relationships thinking it would last through the fall, maybe winter, and plan to be single for the summer. I say I used to be a serial dater because I stopped. I realized that I should chill out and be single for awhile. I realized that I was playing games in relationships and although I still planned on playing a few games while I was single, it seemed more noble. Plus, I wanted time to think about what I was really looking for and to just kick it. And when I say kick it, I mean KICK IT. I ran the streets, talked to multiple guys at the same time. I was tempting, mind fucked a few, hung out late and was very upfront with guys about my agenda: “let’s just keep it simple”, have fun, no commitment, no sex . You know, some real playa type shit. LOVED IT. That lasted for a little more than a year. Yeah, I had some lonely moments but I was cool… till I met my boyfriend. I did not expect him to affect me the way he has. It was really tough in the beginning because I was constantly looking for reasons to run away, excuses why it wouldn’t work (I was afraid) and he stuck it out with me. (I was trying to break up like every other week over dumb shit) Now we are so close to celebrating our one year anniversary. If I and he were to break up tomorrow there would be nothing but respect and admiration because I have learned so much from him and our relationship. He is a great man. (Love you muffin!) Okay enough of the mushy stuff lets get on to my issue/topic. When my boyfriend and I decided to be seriously exclusive (which brings up another issue around having a shared definition of what you are) we both knew we had some loose ends to tie up, people to break the news to and then gently exit them out of our lives. We were upfront about that. There were the guys/goons I had acquired during my single fast and free days that were easy to dismiss (mostly dope boys, trust me they were not hurt). Plus, I had gotten word that he had a crazy ex that definitely needed to be updated. (I met the chick and laughed…so bitter) But then there was this whole other category, there were guys/girls that we were genuine friends with, had history with, that were not so easy to let go. For me this was a mix of male friends that are like brothers to me. Men that I trust and have never been romantically involved with like my big brothers... Those guys looked out for me all throughout college and still support me. The other type of male friends is a little less pure and wholesome. I have guy friends that I might have been romantically involved with or I know once upon a time they liked me and we have history. Both sets of friends I don’t want to throw away but I can see from my boyfriend’s perspective why one group is more of an issue than the other. But even if I and the person have a romantic history, I think women are better at putting up boundaries regardless of that history to ensure that their relationship is not being compromised. Men can’t do that as well. So, am I saying that there is a double standard for men and women when it comes to being in a relationship and having friends of the opposite sex? Yes. That is exactly what I am saying. A man is going to be more easily persuaded by easy pussy than a woman is going to be persuaded by good dick. (Can’t wait to see the arguments against this one) These guy friends I talk about, I have no desire to fuck them even if they are attractive, charming, and/or willing to trick off some money (Yes, it is trickin even if you got it). I’m good, trust me. So one might argue if I am happy (which I am), satisfied (which I am), and committed (which I am) then why would I want to keep some of the guy friends that I used to casually date? It’s quite simple; I’m loyal, I like the idea of having options, and they serve a purpose. It all goes back to something my grandmother told me, who is a true pimp at heart, “Never…….NOTE TO BE CONTINUED.

My Response:

First off, I believe that this has nothing to do with you being "loyal" because at the end of the day you're going hard for men that are not your man. Friends are a beautiful thing, but when you enter into a real relationship with someone it's no longer about what benefits you or him, it's about what benefits "us". You are clinging onto your single mentality, keeping the men in your life around that have always been "safety zones" but trying to make a relationship work at the same time.. I believe you when you say that you're happy, satisfied and committed... but I believe that when you're head over heels in love ecstatic, not happy. Overjoyed, not satisfied...this will no longer be an issue. You have to be willing to let go of the little things and open yourself up to love fully. With big risk comes a big reward. If you're not dealing with a control freak it shouldn't be that big of an issue for you guys to discuss things and reach a common ground. A real relationship isn't about having options, it's about making a choice to love one person and nurture that relationship. In all honesty, you just sound scared to put yourself out there because you don't want to get hurt. I wouldn't waste time being in a relationship with someone if you're still putting your "true pimp, always have options that serve a purpose" mentality on a pedestal. When you're ready to give it all you have then go for it, but until then you're going to continue to get out of it what you're putting in, which is clearly less than 100%.
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