Jun 30, 2010

Happily Ever Backlash...

Lately blogs have been ablaze with single women fighting back. They don't want your pity, canned advice, or to hear these 19 things that get under their skin! Everyone does not want to have a ring put on it and with all of the media attention single women (black women in particular) have been getting lately I completely understand why. Single chicks are on edge, slightly defensive, and ready to throw their single girl pride in anyone's face - - but as a married woman, I feel like I need to come to the defense of young, married folks out there. These are the things I'm tired of hearing...

1. Don't tell me that my marriage isn't going to work because I'm young. Yes... I'm 26, a newlywed and by no means do I know it all. The divorce rate is high but that doesn't dictate my marriage. My husband and I are the only two people in this and our commitment to one another is "til death do us part". It doesn’t take everyone until 40 to figure out what works for them romantically nor is there anything stating that you’ll know it all by 25. It’s about your life, your experiences and your own walk. People will look at you crazy if you get married "too old" and throw side eyes if you get married "too young." Do what works for you, I did what worked for me.

2. Don't tell me how to please my man. As my mother said "if you knew how to please a man you'd have one" lol...

3. Don't assume married sex = dull sex. I don't have a revolving lineup of bed buddies, but that doesn't mean my bedroom is only for sleeping... my kitchen table for food or the back of my car for throwing random things!

4. Married life is not boring. Let me clarify, MY married life is not boring. Many people think that once you say "I do" it's a one way ticket to an uneventful life. Please don't give me a look of pity because I'm 26 and married.

5. Don't give me advice on my marriage. I believe that the key to having a successful relationship is leaving your friends out of your business. I no longer need (nor have the desire) to give my girlfriends a play by play and get their take on every scenario. I don't mind conversing about relationships, but if you've never had a successful one to date I can't take your advice seriously.

6. Don't put me on a marriage pedestal. Marriage does not make me superior to any single person out there. I've often come to find that single friends will treat you differently first, working under the assumption that since you're married you're going to change. I'm still me - - just with the Mrs.

7. Don't assume I'm going to push marriage onto you. I could care less if you get married. Seriously. Marriage is something that I wanted for myself but wedded bliss isn’t for everyone – - that’s not to say a nurturing, fulfilling relationship isn’t. I believe everyone wants companionship and someone to live life with. Whether that involves getting married is up to the 2 people in the relationship.

8. I don't pity you. The only people I pity are those that aren't currently living the life they want. Single, married... swinger? I don't care as long as you're living your best, authentic life.

9. Don't think I'm just lucky. The reason I have a great relationship is because my husband and I give 100%. We didn't throw a coin into a pond or rub a genie's lamp. We have this because each and every day we work at it. Nothing is more insulting than when people try to discredit what you have and pass it off to "luck" or "chance".

10. No guilt trips. Priorities change! I didn't believe marriage could cause people around you to change, but when you take the next step and become husband and wife your friends really can go through some thangs. Yes, thangs! I've seen friendships suffer, die and disappear. I don't know if it's hard to grasp that there's someone else that's a priority or if it's just a natural growing pain... but it's best to understand that marriage definitely brings about a shift in priorities. Try not to guilt trip someone about "checking in", having a "curfew" or opting out of certain events. You're not in the relationship so you don't know what standards have been set.

One of the articles stressed how tired singles were of hearing cliche advice. The “unique” advice I have isn’t relationship exclusive – - I believe everyone is in the situation they’d like to be in. If you’re not happy, make a change! Otherwise, realize that you’re living the life you want… nobody can control you, make you stay or make you leave but you. I don’t feel pity for my single friends, I just have "seen the light" so to say. I now know how amazing it is to have someone 100% committed to you, your goals, and living life together and think everyone should be able to experience that. I am experiencing that through a marriage but it may come a different way for you.

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