5 men. 2 hours. No censors.

5 men. 2 hours. No censors.

That was the task at hand for Essence Relationship Editor Demetria Lucas (better known to the blog world as A Belle in Brooklyn) when she sat down with a handful of single men to pick their brains on all things love, sex and relationships.

I was drawn to the December '09 issue because of the blinding rock Marjorie Harvey was flashing on her hand (Steve Harvey's Wife) but soon found the "What Men Think" article nestled on page 97. It's always enlightening and entertaining to see what men think, and though conversations can sometimes be funny, sometimes frustrating, Lucas tackled the job with ease. Check out the highlights below...


On the large number of single, Black women:

Essence: I've heard - and I'm sure you have too - lots of ladies blaming their single status on the lack of available men. If there are so many great men, why are so many Black women single?

Norman Lee: A lot of Black women are not trying to compromise. They have an entitled attitude like, I deserve this. I deserve that. No, you don't!


On what they're looking for in a wife and marriage:

Essence: Do Black men have the great options Black women think they do when it comes to finding a quality wife? I can't help but notice none of you are married.

Rich Williams: The reason the divorce rate is so high is people don't get married for the right reasons. They think marriage is just an extended, permanent dating period and it's not. It's an emotional and a business partnership. Our love doesn't pay the mortgage.


On what it takes to put a ring on it:

Essence: Say you have a woman who does all the right things. What will it take for you to put a ring on it?

Norman Lee: I need a woman who is aggressive. She has to set some rules and keep me in line. If I'm acting out, tell me, "Look, that's not happening here." I don't want a woman I can walk over.

On the importance of good sex:

Essence: How important is good sex?

Wes Mapes: If the sex game is not on point, we will not go to the next level. Sorry.

Rich Williams: At 30 you should know how to please somebody whether you're a man or a woman.

Norman Lee: Yeah, you're playing varsity now. This ain't JV.


On what they think good sex is:

Essence: What is good sex? Do men want women to swing from the chandeliers?

Brian Miller: I need the woman to be nasty. Who wants a prude in the bedroom? Don't bring gadgets or be a dominatrix with the whips, but be open to anything else.



For more on this interview pick up the December issue of Essence Magazine.

Orgasm? Come again (literally)

Late night HBO is addictive. Be it shows like Cathouse: Bunny Ranch or Katie Morgan's Sex Tips, I've always been drawn to learning more about sex. I swear my dream job would be to produce segments of "Real Sex" though I'm not sure if that show is still on the air. I am a fairly open person when it comes to matters of the sexual nature. I think that since I was raised in an open-minded household and not viewing sex as a bad thing, I don't have some of the issues people struggle with. I also think that having a healthy sex life and appetite is a major factor in living a happy life.

For anyone that has found themselves curious about the ins and outs of orgasms, fret no more. The Pleasure Chest will be holding a free workshop on achieving The Ultimate O, Tuesday 10/6 from 8p - 10p. The workshop will offer attendees the opportunity to "learn all about anatomy, techniques for coming with a partner or solo, how masturbation can help you expand your orgasm, g-spot orgasms, anal orgasms, and tips and toys that will boost your GPA (General Pleasure Average)."

Since this is a complimentary workshop and registration isn't required, everyone is advised to arrive early as seats are limited and usually fill up fast.

What: The Ultimate O Workshop
Where: The Pleasure Chest 3436 N. Lincoln Ave.
When: Tues. 10/6/09
Time: 8p - 10p
Cost: Free, no registration required




As an added bonus, if you're in the market for a new toy, oils, costume... anything to spice up what's going on between the sheets (or any place for that matter), The Pleasure Chest will be having their first annual Big Bang Sale (love that name) 10/3-10/4. If you're eager to get stuff to start your weekend off right, check out the sneak preview this Friday. The festivities will kick off at 7p and feature a savings of 25% off the entire store - - with some things being marked 40%-50% off. Enjoy free cocktails while a dj spins music and you feed your inner sexual deviant.

Best Life: Sex 101

The Oprah show has been featuring their "best life" series this week. Last night I sat in amazement as I watched various couples on stage openly discussing their sex lives, or lack thereof. One story that stood out was a married couple of 24 years in which the wife had not had an orgasm in 20 years. Yes, you read that right - - 20 years! It was somewhat heartbreaking to see this woman sitting there opening up to the world about everything that wasn't happening in her bedroom. I glanced at her husband...how embarrassing to have your wife putting you on blast in front of millions that you weren't handling business. Oprah brought on Dr. Laura Berman who counseled the various couples. Here are her 5 tips to a better sex life:

1. Tell the truth - Of course you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but you have to be honest. If it wasn't that great, you didn't climax, etc...put it out there.

2. Ask for what you want - You can't really complain about your sex life is you're not vocalizing what it is that you want. You have to throw your spouse a bone. Nobody is a mind reader...ask and you shall receive.

3. Let Go - Dr. Berman stressed the need to let go of any negative messages you've heard about sex (i.e. "good girls don't do this", etc...)

4. See the Doctor - Dr. Berman suggested that if you think there's a real problem you shouldn't hesitate to see your doctor. Most medical issues can be fixed.

5. Make your sex life a priority - Even though planned sexual encounters can seem unromantic, Dr. Berman urged that relying on spontaneity doesn't work in long term relationships. If you plan to set aside at least one or two days a week that will be focused on building and nurturing your sex life, you will start to notice changes in other areas as well.

1 down, 6 more to go

7 days of sex?

The idea alone sounds easy enough but if you were really put to the challenge with your significant other how would you fare? That's the question Ed Young, pastor of Fellowship Church in Grapevine, TX posed to married members of his congregation. This challenge was the 3rd step in his series entitled "Leaving Lust Vegas" which is geared towards helping people better understand lust and its affects.

Young stated that "sex is the superglue of a marriage" but I feel that not only in a marriage, but any intimate relationship - - a healthy sex life will either make or break it. Met with some criticism from media, other pastors and even members of his own church Young said that his reasons for the challenge were simple, "...church has allowed culture to hijack sex from the church...this is a launching pad to take relationships to another level."

He suggested journaling throughout the process and then coming together to discuss the various feelings, emotions, etc...and that's one thing I'm sure there would be a lot of. Anyone in a relationship knows that the day to day dynamics can change often. If you're living together multiply that. Not only are you dealing with the ups and downs of your own day but you have to be sensitive to someone else's daily challenges. 7 days of sex is a great thing because it forces you to come together and make time for one another - - and believe it or not (though I'm sure you do) sex has a way of shedding the problems from the day and allowing you to escape... it's all about connecting with your significant other and that is sure to be a plus for any relationship.

Is your pill to blame?

For all the hypochondriac, self diagnosing obsessed people in the world, webmd is a site that's purely heaven sent! I stumbled across an article today titled :

Pill Users Choose 'Wrong' Sex Partners

"I'm a pill user! Did I choose the wrong partner?" I jokingly thought to myself...so I continued reading!

A UK study suggested that women are sexually attracted to men who smell like a good genetic match, but birth control pills make her desire the "wrong" men. The article went on to say that studies suggested women were attracted to men whose genetic makeup differed from their own and that having a genetically different mate increased the chances for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.

At first I thought that this article was just for pure entertainment, but then I started thinking - - it all makes sense! If we instinctively use our sense of smell to seek out a sexual mate that would provide superior offspring, it's only natural that birth control pills (whose entire aim is to throw a monkey wrench in baby making plans) would alter the effectiveness! Now...what do you do once you're off of the pill and trying to have a baby? Do you switch up your mate? Does your sexual attraction to your current mate suffer seeing as how they weren't necessarily chosen based on their genetic superiority...The article delved into this a bit:

The question, of course, is what happens when a woman taking birth control pills marries a man to whom she's attracted -- and then stops taking the pill.

Herz says marriage counselors who have never heard about these studies tell her that the No. 1 complaint among women no longer sexually interested in their husbands is that they can no longer stand how he smells.

"If you can't stand how someone smells, you cannot become intimate," Herz says.

I agree with this statement. Think about it - - the sense of smell is so strong...it can evoke wonderful memories of that special someone, bring you back to a terrible place in time, make your mouth water, face smile...it does so much. Now imagine being totally repulsed by it...yeah, it's not a good look in the sex department! For now, I'll continue to be a fan of BCP (birth control pills) and take my chances with my partner! I don't feel like I've picked the short straw :)