Derek Jaxn: A Cheating Man's Heart

72 hours ago I had no clue how Derek Jaxn was... but I love relationship shenanigans and Derek Jaxn's latest cheating scandal was a hot mess. I hopped on IG Live with a few friends to discuss. 

 

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Recap: TLC's "90 Day Fiancé" - Season 6 Episode 8

Isn't it funny how you start a post and then forget to hit "publish" lol... well, that's what happened to this episode of the podcast! Super (duper) crazy late, but enjoy!

How long is "too long" to be engaged?

During an interview on the Wendy Show, Jennifer Hudson was asked about her 5+ year engagement to fiance David Otunga and her response was that they were "taking baby steps."

When I heard this my face screwed up just as quickly as Wendy's did lol. I was like, wait a minute. Baby steps? What world are you living in where having a 5 year old son and being engaged for 6 years equates to baby steps? I mean, if a baby and 6 year relationship are baby steps, what are we all doing with our lives?

I've never quite understood people who feel comfortable accepting a marriage proposal, but drag their feet with the whole marriage thing. I mean, the point of an engagement is to actually get married. Now, I am sure that long engagements have probably equaled more than a few dodged bullets, but the reality of the situation (in my perspective) is that you shouldn't feel comfortable accepting a marriage proposal from someone you wouldn't want to spend the rest of your life with.

JHud, Fiance Otunga and Son David Jr.

In my own experience I was engaged for about a day or two tops, then we got married - - because that's what people do. They get engaged and then get married lol. Now, it's no secret that a few years later and I was divorced, but the length of the engagement or quickness of the actual wedding didn't affect that. I've been rather transparent about the struggle that is military life... but I digress. I can really only rationalize about 1-2 years for an engagement and that would be to save money, plan the wedding, seek out pre-marital counseling... you know, actual stuff that you should be doing with the time you're engaged.

After being engaged for over 5 years, it feels as though the engagement is more of a novelty and "get out of jail free card" from having to call yourself a baby mama or baby daddy. Do you think it's normal to have a 5+ year engagement? Or does this seem like some fuckery and foolishness?

Thoughts?



http://youtu.be/aiXB0xMBZZ4

21st Century Marriage - How Married Are You?

Long gone are the 20th century marriages that were overwhelmingly defined by romance, love, and intimacy. According to a story by Time Magazine, 21st century "post-romantic" marriages are the result of obligation, partnership, and convenience.

In an interview with the magazine, Pamela Haag spoke about her new book, Marriage Confidential, and five new types of marriages making their mark in relationships across the country (and world).


What kind of marriage do you have?

Semi-Happy Marriage
All marriages have their ups and downs, but the semi-happy marriage is chronically ambivalent. It's a marriage that's neither miserable nor all that successful. Semi-happy spouses genuinely can't decide if they should stick it out and live with the faults in the marriage, or if those faults are too much to handle. Many semi-happy marriages are high-functioning — almost like business partnerships or friendships — but they lack important elements. In other cases, spouses wonder if their expectations are too high and worry that they're being selfish, but they also can't shake the feeling that they might be in the wrong marriage. Researchers estimate that anywhere from 55% to 65% of divorces hail from this group of low-conflict yet listless marriages.



Parenting Marriage

On the one hand, children are less central to marriage than they were before. Single parenthood by choice is on the rise, as are deliberately child-free marriages. On the other hand, for many people, children are perhaps the one remaining imperative to get, and stay, married: parenting is one thing they don't think they can do just as easily on their own. So, when couples do opt to have children, they can become almost entirely defined and consumed by the tasks of parenthood. This is something new for marriage because in the past the roles of husband and wife involved more than just child rearing.

Workhorse Wives
The workhorse wife is the exhausted breadwinner to her dream-chasing husband. It's one version of a semi-happy marriage, in the modern style. It goes like this: husband Joe wants to become a poet, sculptor, pro golfer or other financially stressed professional, while wife Jane is the frazzled, high-achieving breadwinner for both in a career that she doesn't find especially fulfilling. Jane's similar to a 1950s husband — except she often does the chores as well. This kind of marriage does not refer to stay-at-home dads, who pull their load by raising the kids. In the workhorse-wife marriage, the "dreariness equation" is way off, and the wife ends up shouldering much more than her share.

Ed McMahon Syndrome
This often describes someone in a semi-happy marriage who follows the "You are correct, sir!" strategy for getting through disagreements. A person with Ed McMahon syndrome is so eager to maintain the stability, calm and semi-happy predictability of the marriage that he or she will agree with just about anything his or her spouse says, so as not to rock the boat or cause a disturbance.

Semi-Married
Some married — and divorced — couples, have carved out a middle zone between marriage and divorce. Divorced cohabitants, for example, still maintain a household together for their children, but enjoy the (discreet) privileges of being unmarried. Other spouses are still married, but may function more like they're separated and don't seem to be entirely together. This makeshift middle ground has only grown since the recession of 2008 because, quite simply, many couples can't afford to get divorced. They can't sell their home (or they'd have to sell it at a loss) or they can't afford to establish two households, to say nothing of paying for the divorce lawyers.

Love + Marriage = Baby Carriage?

When you're single people bug you about finding love. Once you've found that special someone you usually find yourself bombarded with questions about marriage. Then once you take a leap into marital bliss everyone wants to know when you'll be adding some babies to the mix. It's enough to make your head spin. Back in June I blogged about my baby clock making a few ticks (sometimes quite loud ones), but recently I feel as if my clock has been put on pause, if not broken altogether.

It all started with a trip to the Sprint store on Tuesday night. What should have been a routine trip turned into a 1.5 hr long fiasco, complete with wild children aged 7-12 running about. Something about kids screaming, running and constantly chirping Mexican truck drivers wore me down... and I mean FAST! I found myself in a staring match with each child as they acted a fool, all the while giving their parents a major side eye at their lack of parenting and discipline. Back when I was young my mom only needed to give a certain look and I knew to get my shit together (that or she'd pinch me lol). Nowadays, kids are seriously out of control.

Looking around at all those preteen kids got me thinking - - despite being adorable for the first 6 years of life (just like puppies) kids grow up... and not everyone is excited about having a teenager (or adult dog). More importantly, it brought up the question of whether or not you can have a complete or balanced marriage without children.

I have my mother in my ear every second nagging me about her desire for grandchildren so I blame her for my wavering stance on this issue, but unlike how "rainbows and lollipops" I was about having kids in June, I'm slightly Debbie Downer about it now.

I still believe that kids are this amazing blessing, but I'm not entirely sold on the fact that you'll be doomed to an empty life if you choose to forgo them. Something about having a lifetime full of memories with my husband excites me and as of now I don't see kids in that picture.

Now, before you hold me to everything I'm saying please know that I flip flop on this issue every few months so if you see me singing the praises of children come October don't judge lol...

Still, I am intrigued by the married couples out there that make the decision to not have children. I wonder if they feel as strongly about it in their 40s and 50s as they did in their 20s and 30s... or if once the eggs are gone it's more of a hindsight, too little/too late type of thing. Also, just like until I got married I didn't know what I was missing out on.... is it the same way with children? Are the joys of being a parent so endless that it's hard to comprehend until you're in the situation. Like love, will you just know when it's the right time?

Can anyone else relate?

"Oh, so you eloped?"

Whenever people find out that my husband and I went to Vegas to get married I'm always asked the following: "Oh, so you eloped?"

Getting asked this question is the sure fire way to get under my skin. Every time I hear it I think to myself, I'm no dictionary.com, but doesn't elope mean to secretly run off and get married. You know, like engaged and underage style.


"No, we just went to Vegas. It was actually planned." I respond, always with a lingering hint of attitude and annoyance in my tone.

Something so simple shouldn't be the source of so much frustration but it definitely is. I think there's a gross misconception that if you go to Vegas it equals quickie, shot gun style wedding... or brings up the image of a bun already in the oven or the result of a wild night with too much liquor.

The truth of the matter is when my husband and I decided to go to Vegas it was the easiest place to get married. They have a bazillion (yes that's a word) places that will welcome you into wedded bliss 24/7, it's affordable and well, Vegas is a pretty fun city!

As we waited in line to get our marriage license it was nothing like I imagined. No crazy, drunk, random folks... just googly eyed couples excited to sign their single lives away and make the leap into forever. I would actually recommend people go to Vegas and get married. It was an amazing experience.

On a side note, I wanted to make sure I wasn't losing my mind so I looked up the definition of "elope" - - a friendly way to educate the blog world on the real meaning (because it doesn't mean "vegas" lol):

e·lope

/ɪˈloʊp/ Show Spelled[ih-lohp]

–verb (used without object), e·loped, e·lop·ing.

1. to run off secretly to be married, without the consent or knowledge of one's parents.

2. to run away with a lover.

3. to leave without permission or notification; escape.

Happily Ever Backlash...

Lately blogs have been ablaze with single women fighting back. They don't want your pity, canned advice, or to hear these 19 things that get under their skin! Everyone does not want to have a ring put on it and with all of the media attention single women (black women in particular) have been getting lately I completely understand why. Single chicks are on edge, slightly defensive, and ready to throw their single girl pride in anyone's face - - but as a married woman, I feel like I need to come to the defense of young, married folks out there. These are the things I'm tired of hearing...

1. Don't tell me that my marriage isn't going to work because I'm young. Yes... I'm 26, a newlywed and by no means do I know it all. The divorce rate is high but that doesn't dictate my marriage. My husband and I are the only two people in this and our commitment to one another is "til death do us part". It doesn’t take everyone until 40 to figure out what works for them romantically nor is there anything stating that you’ll know it all by 25. It’s about your life, your experiences and your own walk. People will look at you crazy if you get married "too old" and throw side eyes if you get married "too young." Do what works for you, I did what worked for me.

2. Don't tell me how to please my man. As my mother said "if you knew how to please a man you'd have one" lol...

3. Don't assume married sex = dull sex. I don't have a revolving lineup of bed buddies, but that doesn't mean my bedroom is only for sleeping... my kitchen table for food or the back of my car for throwing random things!

4. Married life is not boring. Let me clarify, MY married life is not boring. Many people think that once you say "I do" it's a one way ticket to an uneventful life. Please don't give me a look of pity because I'm 26 and married.

5. Don't give me advice on my marriage. I believe that the key to having a successful relationship is leaving your friends out of your business. I no longer need (nor have the desire) to give my girlfriends a play by play and get their take on every scenario. I don't mind conversing about relationships, but if you've never had a successful one to date I can't take your advice seriously.

6. Don't put me on a marriage pedestal. Marriage does not make me superior to any single person out there. I've often come to find that single friends will treat you differently first, working under the assumption that since you're married you're going to change. I'm still me - - just with the Mrs.

7. Don't assume I'm going to push marriage onto you. I could care less if you get married. Seriously. Marriage is something that I wanted for myself but wedded bliss isn’t for everyone – - that’s not to say a nurturing, fulfilling relationship isn’t. I believe everyone wants companionship and someone to live life with. Whether that involves getting married is up to the 2 people in the relationship.

8. I don't pity you. The only people I pity are those that aren't currently living the life they want. Single, married... swinger? I don't care as long as you're living your best, authentic life.

9. Don't think I'm just lucky. The reason I have a great relationship is because my husband and I give 100%. We didn't throw a coin into a pond or rub a genie's lamp. We have this because each and every day we work at it. Nothing is more insulting than when people try to discredit what you have and pass it off to "luck" or "chance".

10. No guilt trips. Priorities change! I didn't believe marriage could cause people around you to change, but when you take the next step and become husband and wife your friends really can go through some thangs. Yes, thangs! I've seen friendships suffer, die and disappear. I don't know if it's hard to grasp that there's someone else that's a priority or if it's just a natural growing pain... but it's best to understand that marriage definitely brings about a shift in priorities. Try not to guilt trip someone about "checking in", having a "curfew" or opting out of certain events. You're not in the relationship so you don't know what standards have been set.

One of the articles stressed how tired singles were of hearing cliche advice. The “unique” advice I have isn’t relationship exclusive – - I believe everyone is in the situation they’d like to be in. If you’re not happy, make a change! Otherwise, realize that you’re living the life you want… nobody can control you, make you stay or make you leave but you. I don’t feel pity for my single friends, I just have "seen the light" so to say. I now know how amazing it is to have someone 100% committed to you, your goals, and living life together and think everyone should be able to experience that. I am experiencing that through a marriage but it may come a different way for you.

Love vs. Money

The topic of gold diggers and those choosing to marry for money over love is pretty old. Still, when I saw LisaRaye state on her reality show that she was not in love when she got married but instead compared it to a business deal it surprised me. Not because this isn't something people do, but because she's in the midst of a bitter divorce battle to get millions of dollars she feels she's entitled to. Well, I think proclaiming on national TV that your marriage was a business deal and there was no love doesn't help your legal case.

I'm curious to know everyone's opinion on this situation. If you're married for what's just a blip on the radar, you admit it wasn't because of love, and you're eager to get your payday (like LisaRaye) do you think this is just karma catching up with her? Or does she deserve to get paid? Is it okay to date for money, just not marry for money?

I know of many women that have no issue keeping suitors around that are helping to finance their lifestyle, and I try not to judge them... but I think there's NOTHING better than getting stuff on your own. There's something to be said about creating a lifestyle for yourself and not being nervous that you can get cut off or have the plug pulled.



** I found this video on LisaRaye and her ex when they were prepping for their wedding. Take a look and let me know if you see any cracks in the veneer of their relationship **