Captain Save a Thick Neck: Desmond Bryant

Poor Desmond Bryant needs our help, y'all. After seeing the recent mugshot of the Oakland Raiders Defensive Tackle, it literally made my jaw drop (in the worst way) and feel the urge to send out a plea of help. Seriously - - Desmond went to freaking Harvard so even if he wasn't that smart, he's rubbed elbows with the best, so he knows better. Between the crusty lips, unappetizing tongue and taco meat facial hair, I can't manage to figure out which things needs our help.

Desmond Bryant - Before

Desmond Bryant - After

 Part of me believes he might have popped a molly and sweated out all inklings of common sense... hell, I still don't know what he was arrested for, but this picture speaks a thousand words - - all bad ones. I don't know if I should orchestrate a Fairy Thick Neck Team and swoop in to give this man a shower and a shave (and maybe a breath mint too - - let's be real, shit looks like it's a bit steamy lol), but NFLers out there, hell - - People In GENERAL!! Do better. Period.

You never know where the night will lead and for some the possibility of getting a mugshot isn't a far stretch. In that case, stay camera ready... even in your lowest moment, understand that photographs last forever and the internet makes it go viral.

Mr. Bryant, please do better. Your before picture gives me hope that you can clean up.

Signed,

A concerned Thick Neck supporter.

Miami Dolphins Erotic Workout (video)

It's still Thick Neck Thursday, so here's a little visual eye candy to get you through the rest of the day! It's work-appropriate porn.

I was watching Hard Knocks: Miami Dolphins last night (when am I not watching that show) and my jaw dropped watching them stretch. I mean, is this type of thing common practice in the weight rooms for NFL players?

Anyone that knows me can probably imagine there's a slight twinkle in my eyes... and my favorite player Jared Odrick has a quick appearance. Throw that head back, Odrick!

Thick Neck Thursday: Bernard Pollard @CrushBoy31

Not just a Thick Neck, Bernard Pollard is a Thick Neck that can twerk! A defensive back for the Baltimore Ravens, Pollard had a breakout scene a few seasons ago on HBO's Hard Knocks: Kansas City Chiefs. Although the 6'1" 225 lbs thick neck no longer plays for the Chiefs, he definitely left a lasting impression when he dropped it low and showed how they get down in Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Watching such a big guy pop his ass in the middle of an NFL locker room was surprisingly not as strange as I imagined it would be. Though, I must be honest and say my jaw completely dropped when he broke it down and landed in a split! I mean, he clearly has spent a lot of time in the strip club picking up the latest moves.

What do you think? Does Bernard's twerk session inspire you to throw some 1s at your screen?

Thick Neck Thursday: Jared Odrick @JaredOdrick98

The thicker the neck, the bigger my smile. At 6'5" 302 lbs, Jared Odrick is mouthwatering, delectable, orgasmic goodness causing a cheesy grin to spread across my face! This is the finest specimen of man and this week's Thick Neck Thursday feature.

I saw Odrick last night as I was watching the Miami Dolphins training camp show on HBO and couldn't hide my grin. "Who is THAT?" I grabbed my phone and the Google search commenced.

Reading his stats sent a heavenly chill down my spine. 302 lbs of thick ass man! My God... you are real and at work! I'm only 28, but part of me feels like a cougar looking at 24yo Odrick. Still, I wish men were mass produced like this. I would seriously sell all of my worldly goods to order my own "Odrick 2.0". Put it into production... I want it now!

I can barely look at him without ratchet things pouring out of my mouth. I don't know whether to wring out my panties or finish writing this post lol. This Miami Dolphins Defensive End could get it. All day. Every day. No questions asked. Well, maybe a few... you all know I'm inquisitive lol... but seriously, Jared - - Where are you and when are you free? (Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous? Are you single? lol... I kid, I kid)

I think Takeo Spikes will have to give up his throne as "King of the Thick Necks." There's some new blood in town and he just got crowned.

Jared Odrick - A thick neck you could take home to meet your parents!

Game 1: Bears vs. Packers

After hearing much buzz about Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler I was excited to watch him in action. I hadn't seen any of the pre-season games but was assured by various friends that "they really meant nothing" (I'm assuming that Cutler didn't do anything too impressive during this time because with all the hype surrounding him, true Bears fans would have been ready to boast...) Last night I watched as the Bears played a relatively lack luster game losing 15-21 against Green Bay.

As for Cutler, I think he looks like he's been hitting the bars up North a bit too much. What NFL quarterback has a double chin? On top of looking like the spawn of Alec Baldwin or brother to oil heir Brandon Davis, Cutler looks as if he's on a steady diet of cigarettes and beer! Lord... I'm clueless as to how much money he's making but can someone throw in a Kanye Workout plan because he's not easy on the eyes. There were multiple times during the game where he looked winded and as if he needed to receive a quick dose of oxygen. I'm not sure if he hit a few lines before the game but something about him seems like he'd be hooked on some kind of drug. A friend of mine has maintained that Cutler is an amazing quarterback and blamed his performance on the mishaps of offensive coordinator Ron Turner. I am not knowledgeable enough on Ron Turner to argue this point but I will say that the first part in being a great quarterback is at least having the appearance of a winner - - this, my friends is something Cutler is lacking. I hope they limit his snack intake and up his cardio.

Cutler has the opportunity to redeem himself when the Bears host the Pittsburgh Steelers on 9/20. Their 1st home game is sold out and as everyone knows Bears fans are a bit nuts so let's hope this game is entertaining and interception free.

Separated at Birth? Cutler, Davis and Baldwin.. they must be related!

Life After Football: NFL Players try their hand at reality tv

With the recession in full swing everyone is finding themselves with their thinking caps on and scrounging for ways to make a few extra bucks. Contrary to what most would think, NFL athletes are not immune to this and are leading the way towards multi-tasking careers as they take on a multitude of side projects. The other night I witnessed NFL baller Keyshawn Johnson's new show "Keyshawn Johnson: Tackling Design" on the A&E network. My jaw dropped and I was in a permanent state of shock as I watched Keyshawn try his hand at redecorating the bedroom of an autistic youth. HGTV is one of my favorite networks (blame my mother's niche for real estate, interior decorating, etc...) so I take my design shows very seriously. Though Keyshawn's show is featured on A&E, I still watched the first episode with the bar set high. After sitting thru 30 treacherous minutes I came to the conclusion that he should stick with football and leave interior design to the professionals. I respect him wanting to branch out but getting a tv show? I'll have to pass. Not only does Keyshawn's design sense scream amateur, but the team he assembled seems to be full of HGTV castoffs. Verdict: Keyshawn will NOT be tackling any design for me.

Terrell Owens has gotten a bad wrap for his attitude on the field, but in his new VH1 reality show, The T.O. Show, he hopes to reveal to fans a different side - - Terrell the person, not T.O. the athlete. In the first episode we watched as Terrell found himself fired from the Cowboys and without a job. His PR team, friends Kita Williams (the hater) and Monique Jackson, quickly came to the rescue and convinced Terrell to temporarily relocate to Los Angeles and work on himself as a person. When Terrell wasn't using his swag to flirt with the real estate agent that rented him his LA home (she later ended up in his hot tub) he was attempting to reconnect with his ex-fiancee. The 2nd episode airs on VH1 tonight and will show Terrell making his way to Buffalo to meet his new employers. The show is off to a good start and I'm not ready to write it off just yet. VH1 seems to be handing out reality shows as of late but this is a step up from the typical "I love" dating shows flooding their network.

On a sidenote, I still insist that the best NFL/Reality Show crossover star has been Dhani Jones (Dhani Tackles The Globe). Besides being the epitome of "thick neck perfection", he has the broad appeal to pull in female and male viewers alike. I know many of my male friends loved watching his travel show and felt like he was able to speak to the "regular guy" (as opposed to travel shows with flamboyant hosts, usually chefs, like Extreme Foods with Andrew Zimmer or Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations)

King of the Thick Necks

As many of my friends know I have an absolute weakness for men with thick necks. I think my fascination began in college once I truly started noticing (and appreciating) the football physique. Something about the way they'd hold their necks in team photos would send me into a frenzy. Today I stumbled across a spectacular sight - - Takeo Spikes, aka King of the Thick Necks. This guy is a thick neck GOD!! I want to erect temples in honor of the neck on this man - - he's half man, half amazing! I've never seen him or heard his name before today but I'm glad I can now put his neck (my dream neck) into my mental rolodex. This guy is definitely a 10 on my "need to wring out my panties" scale. My God... I could stare at his neck for hours!!!